Intuition, manifestation

I knew I’d be leaving before I left.

I even called the date, almost to the t.

Some very interesting stirrings happened inside of me, spiritually, that would lead me to produce or manifest the things that were in my mind. Consistently. In ways I had never experienced.

I spent a lot of my time in New York feeling clueless.  I mean, there’s a lot to figure out there. The city, and myself.

I hit a point at my last job in which I was thrown into a vat of cluelessness. One in which I’d never imagined could have existed. And I was in charge of a lot of things and a lot of people. It literally scared me shitless. I would vomit periodically, and suffer from diahrrea for weeks. Stress and anxiety induced.

But during that time, I produced (manifested) the biggest products, deliverables, profits I had ever created at any point in my life.

There were days I’d sit at my desk at work. Clueless. Ahh, training really really sucked at that job. So I was clueless of many things. But there was a little voice in my head that would guide me to many things. Very uncanny happenings.

Part of me feels like my life in New York pushed me into some magical vortex. Sometimes the best things I could only partially imagine happening would happen fully. Other times the worst things I fully imagined happening, happened. I found that the things I ruminated over would acutally spring forth into life. My mind became this machine with inputs and outputs. It always had been, I just didn’t know it.

Have you ever experienced magic? Something so good, you didn’t think it could ever be? And I’m not talking about sex or money. I’m talking about something bigger. Like a secret sauce that you spread on everything and it just makes it…right. An all encompassing, whimsical, serendipitous recipe for living. You can put that shit on everything, like Frank’s Red Hot.

The things you know, but you’re not sure that you know at first. Until you gain experience in knowing that you do really know. Because you learn to trust what you know, over time.You trust that you know. Intuition.

I’ve learned my power. My ability to manifest. My ability to connect with the world inside and outside of myself. There are many worlds inside of me. There are many worlds outside of me. I am but a speck in this universe, yet a powerful, productive and energetic being. I will live on no matter what comes my way. I am large with life.

I was pushed to the point of overload and what I thought could have been insanity. Ebbing and flowing of the waves of my life have lead me to a more tranquil place, mentally and physically. I had to escape New York.

I spend time in front of a lake. There’s a tree here that shields me from some of the sun’s rays. Colors in my mind present themselves when I close my eyes. Chakras. Tree rustles in gentle wind. I can hear here. I am learning to meditate.

I miss New York. She is the meanest teacher.

I will be back, later.

A taste of honey

I remember my first taste of honey. I was in my grandmother’s kitchen. She used to bathe me there, in the kitchen sink. I was probably under the age of five. I can’t recall the actual moment, but I always remembered being in that kitchen and tasting honey. I fell in love with varieties of honey a few years ago. It made me think of her often. Honey and kitchen sink baths. Honey from a spoon, maybe. Maybe from my fingertip.

I didn’t really like my grandmother. She was my father’s mom. She was mean to me in ways that I vaguely remember, but I remember the feeling her impression left behind. As a small child, naturally there were things I was incapable of completing for myself. But she forced me to do them out of her unkindness. Simple things that a small child doesn’t have the mental capacities to figure out in kindergarten, or the physical might to accomplish. I remember crying before being sent to her house. I can’t remember all the reasons why.

She lived in that same house for over 40 years, and moved into a new home in the suburbs maybe 5 years ago.

During my 20’s, I at times attempted to rekindle my relationship with her and my father. Very awkward. But I usually was the one to initiate.

She died a few weeks ago. I don’t know how old she was. I wasn’t notified by my father’s family of her passing. I initially learned of her death about 3 days after she transitioned into the next phase of life.

I have never heard my relatives speak one positive word of her after her passing. Her whole life’s record, from the perspective of her own children, was one tarnished and rusted and splintered with control, inconsideration, and sheer narcissism.

(THis was a draft I never published from over a year ago, after my grandmother died. My father’s mom. I never finsihed it and I don’t know what my next thought was.)

one of a kind

Finding unconventional methods of creating your dreams

is a visionary thing

The pursuit of your dreams is less daunting if you stop telling yourself that you must take hold of what you want in the same ways that others have before you

Make your own way

You were designed by and instilled with creativity

You will always be

one of a kind

God is the essence of creativity

Yep He is creativity

I’ll replace these yous with I  and these yours with my

Yourselfs with myself

I’ll get possesive

WeIrrrrrd

Weird. What is weird? I think the opposite side of weird for most people is “normal.” Normal is what’s acceptable. Acceptable is what is known and has been experienced. But what about the various perspectives of those experiences? How have those experiences been perceived?

There are lots of things I once considered weird. Now, I don’t.

 

More firsts

I’m continuing my list of firsts from 2017.

-I visited YouTube Space NY several times to better understand cameras, lighting, and content creation.

-I saw Sponge Bob on Broadway! Don’t sleep on the sponge.

-I changed my mind on what it means to be employed versus having a job.

-I saw Lorraine Massey, founder of Deva Curl, in person.

-I cooked my first Christmas dinner, all by myself. And it was fully vegan!

-I lost about 14 lbs., which is the most weight I have ever lost. I didn’t hit the gym once, either. I stopped eating so much meat and dairy, and I got into the walking culture of NYC.

Honestly, truly, I don’t think I can list all of the firsts I had in 2017. There are so many that I don’t know if I can remember them all. The grand thing is that 2018 will include lots firsts to. New York is just that kind of place. Discovery is always around the corner. If If I so choose, I can create new adventures as often as I want. To me, this is representative of freedom. Choices to make, places to go, new ideas, new understandings. It’s not all about financial gain. Freedom is growing in my mind. Freedom is growing in my individuality. Freedom is growing in my God given purpose. Freedom is mine.

 

The Cut

I got that new haircut I mentioned in my last post. The Mona Cut. It was like a dream. I’d never visited such a posh salon. The staff was so kind and accommodating. And it was in Manhattan.

I got a triangular yet rounded bob. I’m still trying to understand how to style it at home. I’m trying to find the right balance between enough styling product and too much. I don’t want to weigh my hair down, because this particular cut is meant to shine with lots of body and fluffiness.

The products the hair stylist used were great, but the most expensive I’ve used. I want to buy them eventually, though. I hadn’t seen a curl line that worked like that for my curls. Living Proof is the brand.

Meeting Mona and getting this haircut, which is a pretty bold style for me, were definitely firsts. She was very friendly, talkative, informative, and skilled. She definitely has talent unlike any I’ve seen in the world of hair. I’m so grateful that I live in a city in which a hair stylist can give me what I asked for in a cut, and who sees hair styling as artistry in the same way that I do.

Quirky, cute, angular, bold, well-shaped and defined are all ways that I can describe my new do. I’ve just got to master it so it always looks the way I just described it.

Firsts

2017 was a year of many, many, many firsts for me. I’d prayed after I moved to NYC in Dec. 2016 that in 2017, God would show me things I’d never seen. He definitely came allllll the way through!

I flew on planes more times in that one year than I ever had in any one year.

I visited Miami.

I rented a couple of studios from which I’ve worked in photography and videography.

I finally really got my business moving. I had laid plenty of ground work prior to 2017, but I started functioning in NYC!

I experienced the death of a loved one and was impacted by grief like never before.

God has become more vocal and visual in the ways he communicates with me. I’ve had some deep, and new kinds of understandings bestowed upon me.

I saw Amel Larrieux and Esperanza Spalding in concert.

I learned to ride the trains alone.

I learned to cross NYC streets alone. That was terrifying for me initially. It’s still weirdly scary at times, but I do it.

I learned to jay walk, or is it j walk, with grace and ease. Daily.

I grew to understand why I should commit to plant based living.

I found a funky new haircut that I took months to decide on, and will commit to in February.

I got 3 pairs of snow boots.

I learned to cope with the cold and snow. Still learning.

I visited the Statue of Liberty.

I went to a Brooklyn Nets game.

I grew accustomed to the bodega life, then realized that I can’t eat most of the things there as a plant based eater.

I met people from several countries.

I discovered the Afro Latinx community.

I experienced the turning of all the seasons, in all of the ways I imagined that the seasons change.

I’ve discovered the need to get away more often. Though I live in the city of my dreams now, I feel the need to escape it every few months.

I found the joy of the Lord.

I found the joys of coffee shops.

I’ve found that NY can be quiet, during blizzards. And sometimes in parks.

I went to a party alone.

I’ve stared at more people than I ever have.

I got lost on the trains.

I’ve found kind people here, though I believed I wouldn’t find many. There are lots of nice people here.

I’ve escaped the need to be a particular “thing” all the time.

I’ve escaped some levels of anxiety, because I don’t feel like I have to be the person I was before I moved here.

I began to learn to code. Hash tag girls in tech. Hash tag black women in tech. Hash tag black women do code.

I showed my mom around the city, all by myself.

I began to learn to let go of some people who don’t want the same type of healthy relationship that I want to have with them.

I’ve realized that this life is my own, truly. No one is going to do anything for me when it comes to obtaining my own happiness and purpose.

Many more firsts will be listed. Let me think of some more. I’m sleepy.

 

Friends like that

In January on my husband’s birthday, and in July on my birthday, we visited a diner near W. 4th. We’ve agreed to visit there on our birthdays. I really doubt that will continue as a tradition for us, considering the vast array of delicious dining options available to us in NYC. Especially considering we are devoting ourselves to plant based living. He’s more devoted than I am, but that’s beside the point.

As we sat at our table in July, there was a couple of girl friends sitting at a table next to us. They were both very loud. I remember listening to their conversation and laughing at how loud, verbose, and vulgar they were. I asked my husband if he thought I’d make friends like that in NY. He said, “Probably so.” I still laugh to consider that. I am not that person, but it would be cool to make loud mouth friends.

untitled

When I look at New York, I see the people. Each and every one of them makes New York what it is.

Sirens on my street yell out against the buildings.

On Long Beach, I laid on the sand and heard the gentle roar of the water. Leisurely enjoyment. I chose that for the day.

Back “home,” people drowned in uninvited waters that rudely pushed past their front doors, living room windows, and staircases.

I’ve never felt so torn in my life. Remnants of old things hang on. Reminders do their job of reminding.